Confessions Of An UnOrGaNiZeD Mom

Greet one another with a kiss of love.

—1 Peter 5:14

TODAY’S DARE

Think of a specific way you’d like to greet your spouse today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them.

MY PLAN

This dare is hopefully going to work out for me!  I happen to be home with Ry today while Tony's in Philadelphia at school this week.  I have the whole downstairs cleaned up, pork chops defrosted, etc.  I'm hoping that I can have a clean house and an almost done supper for him to come home too.  I also cleaned off his computer desk today which was begging me for help LOL....I'll let ya know how it goes!

HOW IT REALLY WENT

Well I won't put this day in the complete failure column, but definitley in the tried my ass off column. (pardon the language)

Tony came home to a clean house, dinner in the oven, I kissed him when he came in and asked him about his day.....and in return I received an attitude.  30 minutes before dinner was ready he said he would be back and walked out the door.  No kiss.  No goodbye. Just the door closing behind him.  He was back in time to eat, and Lo and I had set the table, I cleaned up myself, and now he's being short temperd with the kids.  Why can't this man be nice???? I haven't said a cross word though many are sitting on the tip of my tongue. 

Love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire.
—Song of Solomon 8:6 NIV

TODAY’S DARE

Determine to become your spouse’s biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy. To help you set your heart on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday’s list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed.

NIGHT BEFORE THOUGHTS

I'm hoping that this one is easy.  I'm not jealous of Tony, except maybe for the fact that he gets away with doing nothing.  And he needs to go to school this week for his job (even thought he's not working) so I'm hopefull to have something new to talk about.

MY EXPERIENCE

Today was thrown off a bit since Ry was sent home with the flu.  Tony started day classes for the job he's laid off from, for this week only, so of course this is the week one of the kids would be sick!  But despite my afternoon, when he came home I patiently listened as he told me all about his class, which to be honest, to me is just jibberish since I know nothing about being a glazier....but I listened intently, asked questions, etc.  When thand sit next to him on the couch.   

We are literally out of money until his unemployment comes in on Wednesday, so he went to make pancakes for dinner, but ran out of batter when it came to making his own.  So I dug in the freezer, found a chicken breast, breaded and fried it up with some garlic noodles and made him a dinner of his own.  The funny thing is I WANTED to make it for him.  I recognized his selfless act of feeding us first, and not caring if he was hungry himself.  I know he truely does love us, but I think he doesn't know how to show it.  He puts up such a hard front but would give up anything for us.  So I guess I need to figure out how to break down his wall in the coming days.

  [Love] believes all things, hopes all things.

—1 Corinthians 13:7

TODAY’S DARE

For today’s dare, get two sheets of paper. On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out positive things about your spouse. Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet. Place both sheets in a secret place for another day. There is a different purpose and plan for each. At some point during the remainder of the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic

MY EXPERIENCE

When I first read this I thought.....Oh this will be a snap.  Well think again.  In your mind you may be able to think "Oh my spouse has lots of great qualities" but when you try and put them down on paper it wasn't all that easy for me.   My negatives outweighed the postives.....ok SERIOUSLY outweighed them.  So then I re evaluated my list to see which negatives were just down right petty.  The ones that have nothing to do with him not collecting the garbage, etc.  Yes I need him to start doing that, there's many other days to get to that!  I just wanted to focus my list on him as an individual.  One of my good qualities was that he CAN BE thoughtful....so today as I was cleaning up the living room he came in and helped me.  So I thanked him for his thoughtfulness.

He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city.

—Proverbs 16:32

TODAY’S DARE

Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list below of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life.

NIGHT BEFORE THOUGHTS

You've got to be kidding me right? After day 5 I'm starting to feel like a martyr.  I don't want to give the impression that I don't love my husband, or that I'm setting my marriage up for failure.  When he wants to be or maybe CAN be he is thoughtful.  He can be a great father when he tears himself away from the computer.  I personally hate the idea of divorce. 

Tony and I grew up two different ways and maybe that's part of the problem.  His dad was never there, and both he and his mother were alcoholics.  He basically grew up in bars and had to take care of himself as well as his brothers and sisters as far back as he can remember.  It was a very violent childhood, one that nobody should have gone thru.  I on the other hand grew up with my mom and dad who are still married after 31 years.  I want my kids to grow up feeling the love and support that I still have today, and as much as Tony doesn't want to be like his parents, I honestly don't think he knows any other way.

In a way I feel stupid for being as honest as I've been.  I hate that maybe I'm giving the impression that I have this god awful life.  This whole experience even though it's only been 5 days at this point has brought out A LOT of supressed feelings that I thought it was wrong to feel.

MY EXPERIENCE

First and foremost I need to figure out what the heck this dare means. So I'll let you know how I did when I figure it out LOL

He who blesses his friend with a loud voice early in the morning, it will be reckoned a curse to him.

—Proverbs 27:14

TODAY’S DARE

Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only

NIGHT BEFORE THOUGHTS

Ok, how the heck can I pull this one off without telling him I'm taking the challenge!  So I'm open to any and all suggestions for a "modified dare" LOL, so please help me out!

MY EXPERIENCE

Ok, I sucked it up and just flat out asked him to name three things about me that irritate him.  I was not judgemental (although I will be here!) listened patiently and then told him that I would work on it.  Here's what irritates him:

1.  I have a constant attitude:  In my own defense I only have an attitude because he puts the entire pressure of our household on my shoulders.  He's laid off and has been for 3 months now, but I still work 8 hours a day, have to come home and do wash, clean up dinner, get the kids ready for bed, check Ry's homework, pay the bills, etc.  If I don't collect ALL the garbage it won't go out.  Serioulsy I have to bag it all and put it by the door.  In my mind this is enough to drive ANYONE to a nervous breakdown.  He has 8 hours alone everyday, and I don't get 10 minutes until the kids are in bed.  It's very hard.  I even have to get the kids ready in the morning for school/daycare as I'm getting ready for work because he won't wake up!  Maybe this is selfish, but I feel like if he's not working, at some point he needs to take on the role of the stay at home dad. 

2.  Our sex life:  Ok this one is way too personal I know, but he doesn't seem to understand that after doing all this EVERY DAY I am just physically and emotionally exhausted......I'd rather sleep than be intimate, and it's the truth!  If he could even get off his damn computer game an hour or two before the kids go to bed things might be different, but he's literally OBSESSED with his online game, and will play it until I tell him (usually more than once) that we need to take Lo to bed (we always do this together)

3.  I'm not the same person I was when we met: I truely wanted to go off on him with this one but didn't.  When we first moved in with eachother we lived with his father.  My only care in the world was keeping our bedroom clean, and occasionally washing dishes.  Then we were married and bought the house and suddenly I'm responsible for keeping up with it, and fixing what I can with duct tape because I get tired of asking him to fix things.   Of course i'm going to change....I have more stress and anxiety at this point than I've ever had in my entire life!  Let's not forget the fact that I was 25 when we got together and now I'm 32.  I feel like I've had to grow up for the two of us.

So this was my day 5 for better or worse, and maybe it's wrong that I felt the need to defend myself, but to be honest I feel I'm justified.  Like I posted before I'm not the June Cleaver wife, and never will be.  He has it in his mind that this is just what I'm supposed to do, and honestly he needs a freakin wake up call.

I can only imagine a life where the only thing I really have to do is carry out a few garbage bags and maybe once and a while throw a slab of meat on the grill.  I'm a VERY strong person and I know that, but no matter how many times we talk about it, and I tell him I can't do all of it, nothing ever changes.........so at the end of day 5 I'm left frustrated.

How precious also are Your thoughts to me. . . .How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.

—Psalm 139:17–18

TODAY’S DARE

Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them.

NIGHT BEFORE THOUGHTS

This one I think will be fairly easy....although sometimes we don't really talk while I'm at work, I can take the five minutes out of my workday to do this.  I do need to quick mention that at this present time I'm still on day 3 and Tony just THANKED me for a nice night.  Wow.

MY EXPERIENCE

Well, I made it a point to call Tony a few times today, just to say hi and see how his day was going.  Before I left work I called to see if there was anything he needed before I came home, then I stopped at the store and got it......Ok it was bread and cheese, but hey I got it LOL.

I decided today that maybe God can help my marriage.  Not to get all biblical and what not, but I was raised a Catholic but never felt like that was who I was.  I hated the repetition of every sunday...stand, kneel, sit....etc.  As I got older I found myself questioning different things such as why do I need to confess to someone what I've done wrong, when God himself knows if I'm truely sorry for my actions! Thru a WONDERFUL friend of mine who I am so lucky to have found, I've found comfort in slowly finding my "comfort zone" in just being a christian.  I never expected to relate to a different "religion" per say, and not that I could ever see myself being a fanatic, or going to church all the time, but I do recognize a higher power, and find comfort and hope in what I've reading and listening to.  The best website I've been on in relating to my marriage is called Focus on the family.  Even if you're not a religious person their articles on marriage, and real life stories have helped me EMENSLEY!

Ok, I'm done preaching LOL.  Tonight my kindness and patience was once again put to the test as Tony had another outburst about some stupid thing.....I'm so tired of his yelling at Ry, and  condesending tone towards me.  I feel at times I need to remind him that he's my husband, not my father.  About a year and a half ago Tony was diagnosed as Bipolar.  He tried the meds, but they made him very drowsy, and for the job he has that's very dangerous.  When you're 10 stories high in the air installing sheets of window glass I do understand the danger.  But I also realize that we wouldn't have HALF the arguing, or problems with eachother if he could get his mood swings under control.  At times he will admit he needs to go back to the doctor, but as fast as the thought came to him, it passes.  I had a great friend thank me for being so honest, but isn't that what this is all about?  If even one person has a situation like mine and can relate, then these personal posts of mine, even if they get too personal, are worth it to me.

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor.

—Romans 12:10

TODAY’S DARE

Whatever you put your time, energy, and money into will become more important to you. It’s hard to care for something you are not investing in. Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, “I was thinking of you today.”

NIGHT BEFORE THOUGHTS

I feel like I need to take this more serious.....like I'm not doing all that I could be.  I have to let his negativity roll off my back and learn to treat and love him the way I want to be treated and loved.   But honestly he can make it so damn hard!  He makes it HARD for me to love him sometimes.  I hate the fact that the thought "Why did we ever get married" enters my mind.....but it does....and if I'm honest it does often. 

When we were married, I wanted a partner.  Someone who was in this ride calledl life right beside me.  I received a man who has no problem sitting back and letting me try and take care of it all myself.  A man who was the lightest sleeper until LO was born, and every night since he's fallen into a coma.  A man who could care less if our grass is 3 ft tall, and that our bathroom faucet has been leaking for over two years.  I tend to feel more like his mother than his wife.  So I guess the 8 years worth of pent up agression and anger I carry with me, makes it harder for me to do the "nice" challenges.  It bothers me to know that if he would walk out that door tonight, I'd be fine.   Not money wise, but emotionally and physically, I'd be perfectly fine.

Sorry this has turned into more of a vent, but if I'm going to take this seriously, I have to admit how I truely feel.

MY EXPERIENCE

I did much better today, and I feel good but exhausted about it!  It was a hard day for Tony.  He kept Lo home from school to take him to the doctor since he's had a cough for over a week, so that alone is trying for him!  On top of that my in-laws and Tony's cousin were coming over for dinner.  I asked him if he wanted me to just pick his cousin up since it's on my way home from work, but could tell he just needed to get out of the house.  As soon as I came home, he left, and I knew he needed to.   After everyone was here I helped him with dinner, did the clean up on my own so he could visit with his family, entertained Lo when guitar hero was brought out :P and got him ready for bed. 

After Lo was in bed, we needed soda so I ran to the convenience store by our house and picked some up, along with Tony's favorite chocolate covered pretzels which made him happy. 

In a way I'm beginning to think I need to get over myself...LOL.  I'm so women's rights about things that it isn't even funny.  In my mind he's no better than I am, and I'll be damned if I'm going to be one of those June Cleaver wives who waits on her husband hand and foot.  That's sooooo not me!  But I do realize that I have to be kinder, because when he's out he picks things up for me, or will call to see if I need anything.  This challenge isn't about ME it's about US so I put myself aside tonight, and it wasn't that bad :P

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

—Ephesians 4:32

TODAY’S DARE

In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.

NIGHT BEFORE THOUGHTS

Ahhhh....Today was hard enough not to lash out, so now I have to add tomorrow too?? I know at this point some of you are asking:

"Why is this girl doing this challenge if all she does is complain?" 

I'm realizing that it's harder when your spouse doesn't know you're doing the challenge.  So as I'm trying to better myself, I'm still dealing with his negativity.  Slightly harder than I anticipated I guess.  Now the hard part comes....the gesture of kindness LOL

MY EXPERIENCE

I started the day off wrong.  Tony bitched at me this morning that  he has no gas in his truck.  I was already rushing to get myself ready for work, and the boys ready for school, while he laid on the sofa observing, I snapped at him that he had the debit card so he has PLEANTY of time all day with no kids to get his gas. 

We didn't talk much during the day since I was working, and when I got home I decided to let LO play with my old lap top which needs a new hard drive, which we're not going to have the money for, and besides, I have a new one.  Well, that was apparently wrong because he flipped out yelling about how it wasn't a toy and took it away from the boys.  How am I supposed to be nice with so much negativity? 

All in all I failed on the saying nothing negative, and I think I took the easy way out of my act of kindness.....I didn't complain about him being on the computer all night.  When he went to clean up the kitchen I told him to just load the dishwasher and I would take care of the rest, and then I handled the whole get the kids ready for bed without a huff or a puff by myself.  To me that was kind!

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

—Ephesians 4:2 NIV

TODAY’S DARE

The first part of this dare is fairly simple. Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything. It’s better to hold your tongue than to say something you’ll regret.

NIGHT BEFORE THOUGHTS

First thoughts are.....thank god I'm working tomorrow....that's 8 hours down right off the bat. Tony and I feed off eachother's attitudes, we truely do.  It takes him saying one sarcastic comment to set me off.  It's my intention durring this whole process to be as brutally honest as I can, even if that reveals too much on a personal level :) 

MY EXPERIENCE

Honestly the last time we did this challenge, day 1 was a breeze.  That being said I never expected to be challenged on the first day!
In passing last week Tony mentioned something to me about the cable company coming in to put some boxes on the TV's.  In my unorganized and overwhelmed life I forgot about it until he called me at work today.  His tone was rude, sarcastic, and anything but loving as he yelled at me for how embarrased he was to show this cable man the condition of our bedroom.  I'm not going to lie, my first thought was to flip out and envision myself reaching thru the phone strangling him. Then rattle off to him how I keep up all the responsibilities on top of a full time job when he's the one home laid off.  BUT what I did was clench my teeth and as nicely as one can speak this way said "I'm sorry, I'll try harder to remember next time." 

I came home to dinner on the table, and didn't complain or say sarcastic remarks when nobody helped me clean the kitchen, I just did it.  Overall day 1 has been a success, and learned that not every time you do the dare will be the same. 

The rest of the night was pretty uneventful.....bathing kids, checking bookbags, etc.....so I didn't have as hard of a time after I came home from work as I thought I would.